If your parents are happily married (to each other) and your fiancé’s parents enjoy the same bliss, you can probably skip this page, but, hang on, what about your favorite “aunt” Kathy? Will your uncle’s new wife get into a snit if the mother of your closest cousin comes to your wedding? When close family or friends are divorced, your wedding has the potential to become a day of fears and tears. You can avert most or all of the unpleasantness, however, with a little sensitivity and a lot of planning. Here’s how....

The Guest List

Unless you are estranged from a natural parent, he or she will probably expect to be attending your wedding. If you’re well acquainted with your father or mother’s new spouse and children, the whole family could be invited to accompany your parent and make him/her feel more comfortable.

Even if relations have been strained or non-existent for a number of years, this might be the time to overlook past differences. Speak to your available parent about the possibility of contacting your absent parent. If you don’t feel you can invite him/her to the wedding, you might consider phoning or writing about your intention to marry.

The Invitations

Invitations are easily changed to reflect changing family dynamics. “Mr. and Mrs. John Smith” implies that they are still a couple, while “Mrs. Ann Smith and Mr. John Smith” implies that the parents are separated. The wording on the invitation is not meant to outline your pedigree or credit those who are footing the bill; it simply offers the names of the hosts, the people most involved with the wedding preparation and who will be available to guests when the bride and groom cannot be. However, you can always avoid the whole issue by inviting the guests to your wedding on your own behalf.

The Bridal Party

If you get along well with your parent’s new family, it would be a generous gesture – and one your parent will appreciate – to include half-siblings and step-siblings in your celebration. Keep the kids’ ages in mind, though: a fifteen-year-old boy may not even be interested in participating, but a nine-year-old girl might be thrilled to be your flower girl.

The Aisle

This is only complicated by the bride’s family history. Accompanying the bride up the aisle is traditionally the role of the father; however, if you were raised by a stepfather or are estranged from your own father, your stepfather might play this part. Either way, handle the uninvolved party delicately. You could ask both men to walk you up the aisle, but, unless you’re a master politician, you’ll end up with two hurt parties. Mothers walking their daughters up the aisle are an increasingly common sight. Your mother may have had the most of the responsibility in rearing you; so choosing this option is an appropriate way to honour her. You can also consider brothers and grandfathers for the role, or your fiancé could meet   you halfway down the aisle.

Photographs

There are often regrets in this area after a wedding, but missed opportunities are even more unfortunate for estranged families. Have a list of “must haves” worked out for the photographer, but take care that the photo hour doesn’t stretch into two or more with the new family dynamics. If your parents won’t agree to a “natural” family picture, be sure to get a good one of yourselves with each parent alone.

The Receiving Line

The traditional receiving line includes the bride, groom, their natural mothers, and the maid of honour, with the fathers, best man, and additional bridesmaids as optional participants. You can try any variation on the theme, although if your parents are separated – even if they are on friendly terms – they should not stand side by side. You may want to avoid including your stepparents unless they raised you and regard them as parents.

The Reception

Even if your divorced parents are the model of graciousness, they will probably feel more comfortable if they aren’t placed together longer than it takes to exchange salutations. If they wish to reflect on what an outstanding daughter you’ve become, they can always seek out each other’s company. The easiest way to put everyone at ease is with a thoughtful seating plan. First, consider the kind of conversation and interaction you wish to encourage. Wherever possible, do away with the long tables that restrict conversation to immediate neighbours. Round tables of six or eight, or square tables of four seem to encourage lively discussions. Post-it notes can be used to map out a politic seating plan. Write the names of the guests at each table on a Post-it note, and then move the notes around the floor plan until each guest is backing a compatible relative or new friend.

The Head Table

Although many head tables include parents of the bride and groom, an easy alternative is to omit parents altogether. Have your parents positioned reasonably close to the head table, but place buffer tables between the divorcees.

Toasts